A Different Kind of Despair

  A Different Kind

  of Despair

  Nicole Martinsen

  Copyright © 2015 by Nicole Martinsen

  All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof

  may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever

  without the express written permission of the publisher

  except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  First Printing, 2015

  www.NicoleMartinsen.com

  Table of Contents

  Part One

  1. A Mother's Love

  2. The Happiest Day

  3. Estranged Relations

  4. First For Everything

  5. Return to the Moor

  6. Koronos

  Part Two

  7: Proof of Living

  8. Temptation

  9. The Grey

  10. Possess Me

  11. Grave Tidings

  12. Six Months

  Part Three

  13: For Formosa

  14: Into the Desert

  15: Frozen Reception

  Epilogue

  A Note From The Author

  Bonus Trivia

  A CHALLENGE TO THE READER!!!

  Part One: Honor Thy Ancestors

  For in the Beginning, there was Ayasha

  And from Her womb sprang daughters four

  Kurai of the Shadow Font

  Hikari, Child of Light

  Akatsuki of the Morning Sun and

  Shinya of the Night

  Kurai conquered the northern slopes, thick with serpents as they lay

  Hikari danced upon the plains to better bask in the noonday

  Akatsuki sought solace in the sands, and shifted swiftly upon their dunes

  And then there was the daughter fourth, who found Her home beneath the moon.

  -Tale of the Four Tribes

  1: A Mother's Love

  We are the Hikari, proud warriors of the Cascadian Plains. Stupid southerners call us uncivilized barbarians. If I ever catch one saying that to my face I'll shove my uncivilized barbarian spear up their ass.

  What do those bastards know about culture, anyway?

  I blew the hair out of my face and continued whittling away at a block of wood, struggling with the exact details I wanted to place on the totem. So far, I had carp for good fortune, a bull for strength of will, and a hippopotamus for robust health.

  I heard the clinking of hollow beads as my mother entered my tent -I made it perfectly clear to everyone else that I'd knock their teeth out if they bothered me. As Shaman Incumbent, my tribe had no choice but to listen.

  She made a musing sound as I struck another shaving off the piece. "It's quite... vague," she said. "Surely your chosen mate has some more specific qualities?"

  I snorted, "He is vague. Ah, that gives me an idea!"

  "Oh?" She sat next to me on the grass. "Tell me. Let's see if I can finally guess which lucky man captured the heart of my little Miraj'a."

  "A legless lizard."

  My mother sputtered. I raised my head to see her face locked at the crossroads of a question and amusement. She turned away from me, sucked her lips in, and finally shook her head.

  "I should have known."

  "He is technically Hikari," I insisted. "Don't tell me otherwise. It's our policy for any who we choose to take in." I paused mid-strike, the paring knife lodged in the wood. "Mother, you never told me what he said that made you adopt him."

  She was so still that the beads in her hair were silent. Her eyes, with their bright indigo wings studied me, grappling with her thoughts.

  "It is not my place to say," she said finally.

  "But Ma'man!" I protested, calling her as I did in childhood. "It was you who accepted him! There's no reason you should have less claim than a man."

  "Miraj, remember this," she said sternly, and I recognized an incoming lesson when I heard that tone in her voice. "Women rule in the west, it is true, but only because we earn the respect of those we lead -men included. He has vowed to be an asset to Hikari in exchange for relative peace, and Marvin has kept his promise. The secrets of an honorable soul, man or woman, are not mine to share."

  I scowled, but took the words and etched them upon my heart. I didn't always do well in following my mother's wisdom, but it was my duty as her daughter to remember the teachings.

  She clapped the dust off on her leather breeches, heading towards the outside. My mother stopped before the beaded curtain, leaned back, and cupped my chin.

  "You may choose whomever you please as your spouse. Someday you will lead our tribe and bear many children of your own. But never forget that no matter what kind of woman you become, you will always be my darling Miraj'a."

  I blushed, swiping her hand away. "Ma'man," I whined. "You know I don't like it when you say things like that."

  She sighed dramatically, squeezing my face between her hands. She rained exaggerated kisses upon my hair, head, and cheeks.

  "It can't be helped! This stubborn child of mine is too sweet for me to resist!"

  I laughed, "Ma'man! Knock it off!"

  She chuckled, pulling away, my face still snug between her palms.

  "But truly, my beautiful daughter, be happy on your most happiest of days, and may each day after be more joyous that the one before."

  I smirked at the paradox she presented. "Ma'man, that's not even possible."

  "Says who?" she scoffed. "The object of your affection is an impossibility in and of himself; whoever heard of a man who can stand without any legs?"

  "MA'MAN!" I shrieked into a pile of giggles, wondering at what has gotten her into such a brazen mood.

  Her blue eyes twinkled with mischief, relinquishing me at last.

  "Go to him as soon as you're done, my child. You can't have a wedding without the groom."

  2: The Happiest Day

  I finished the totem an hour later, stringing it through a leather band to make a necklace of my creation. It was tradition for taken men to bear these symbols around their necks. They were a badge of honor, establishing what qualities their wives liked most about them.

  I admit I'm embarrassed at how little I know of Marvin. He's a good doctor. I've seen him save our riders from the brink of death, swiftly and calmly snatching their spirits off the edge to the Great Beyond. I recall seeing him the day he stumbled into our camp during my fourteenth year.

  He arrived on the back of another man, followed still by a third, and I could see from the grassy knoll that Marvin was missing his legs. I ran back into the hut to report the strangers to my mother, who told me to stay as she went to confront them.

  I was never much good at listening, so I stuck my head outside the tent. I watched as she held a conversation with the three for the next hour, finally transferring Marvin into her arms. The men that came with him left after that, and we Hikari gained our crippled physician on that day.

  The first few weeks Marvin was with us were filled with curiosity. What man from the desert was so white in the face? How did he know how to stitch up our bodies so well? I spied as my mother dyed his gray hair black after she thought I'd gone to bed, another bead in a string of mysteries surrounding this most curious character.

  He kept his distance once he gained his own yurt, appearing only as we traveled after herds of game or when there was a medical emergency. I spent hours in his tent, falling asleep to the sound of him going about his business. As long as I didn't bother him, Marvin let me be.

  I stopped and stared at an emu, hitched at the post outside his home. The poor beast must've survived a mighty wound, as the legs beneath its feathery body were positively skeletal.

  "No, Leo."

&nbs
p; My eyes perked up at the rare sound of conversation. I pressed my back against the wall of the tent, inching closer to the entrance.

  "Come on, just one month. Two at the most!"

  "I said, no. This is my home now, I can't just up and leave whenever I feel like it. Besides, it's almost time to pick up camp again."

  "The Shaman in charge seems like a reasonable woman! And you know I'm not one to use the words reasonable and woman in the same sentence for just anybody."

  I threw the tent flap open.

  "What do you know about women, fool?!" I demanded, determined to put a face to the one spouting such nonsense.

  But rather than look down on an ignorant man, I was staring straight at him. My eyes bulged at the size of this giant who was sitting on the ground while I was at my full height. I was not tiny for a woman either, lending shock to my perception.

  He bore tan skin and dark hair. These traits, coupled with his hulking build, were distinctive of our sister tribe, Kurai.

  "Miraj," said Marvin. The look on his face bore a spark of relief at my presence. "Does someone need me to go look at them?"

  My reason for being there came back to bite me. I flustered, shoving the totem under his nose. Marvin had been with us for two years; he knew what it meant.

  "Oh? So you finally found someone you like?"

  I nodded.

  "Take it and be grateful."

  I looked up and saw that Marvin's face had an expression I'd never seen before. I was accustomed to an impassive veneer, sometimes with traces of mild annoyance. Presently, he looked as though I'd gone and shoved a handful of sour grapes into his mouth.

  Leo came uncomfortably close between us. His eyes shifted from me, to Marvin, to the totem.

  "Marvin... what's going on?"

  I felt fire in my cheeks.

  "I am informing him that he is to become my husband."

  "Informing?" He flared with indignation. "Whatever happened to offering?"

  "I am the Shaman's Firstborn Daughter!"

  "Exactly! You're not the Shaman, your mother is!" he shot back, shoving the totem away.

  There were many times I was willing to cede to his ire, mostly because I was being considerate, and he amused me enough that I chose to be generous and look the other way. But not this time -not when it involved my life.

  "You marry me," I said. "Or I'll have you excommunicated."

  "Again, you're not your mother. Only she has the power to do that."

  "She'll do it on my behalf!" I roared, prompting Leo to raise an eyebrow at the exchange. "This is a sacred rite in a woman's life! There is no mother that would not wish happiness for her child, and she will not stand for anyone who threatens mine!"

  I watched the reasoning run through his head. Marvin knew of my mother's fairness and wisdom, but equally convincing was the ferocity in which she loved her only daughter. In my heart, I knew that this was something she'd have me whipped for if she ever heard about it.

  Marvin glared at me, and I knew that he would not call my bluff this time.

  "In name only."

  I smirked, tossing him the totem. He scrutinized it in his hand.

  "What's the one on the top? A snake?"

  "A legless lizard."

  Leo guffawed, but in a moment's notice he stopped to give my new husband a tortured expression.

  "Marvin... are you really getting married?"

  He clenched his jaw and shot daggers from his eyes. "This totem means I already am."

  Leo grabbed the tassels on the hem of the doctor's jerkin, groveling. "HAS OUR LOVE BEEN A LIE?!"

  "WHAT?" I exclaimed.

  Marvin punched Leo so hard I heard his neck pop.

  "Don't go putting strange ideas in her head, Leo," he growled. "I'm not in the mood for it."

  Leo laughed, rubbing the back of his head with a tiny wince, as though he'd been flicked and not smashed with the full force of a grown man's fist. Who are these men from the desert?

  "Geez, Marv -shouldn't you be happier now that you have such a pretty wife?"

  "Beauty is relative," he said stubbornly. "And she's only sixteen. That is a crime where we come from, in case you've forgotten."

  "You dog, you!" Leo fanned his lashes, this time taking a strike to the shoulder. "Alright, alright, I'll let it drop." Leo's grin was disarming as he turned to me. "So what's your name?"

  "Miraj." Unable to help myself, I asked, "Are you Kurai?"

  "Kurai? No, I'm Leo."

  "Idiot," said Marvin. "She meant the tribe."

  "Oh." Leo thought on it. "My mother is Kurai. Me? I'm from Nethermountain."

  "Nether... mountain?"

  Marvin stepped between us. "She doesn't need to know any more than that. Now Miraj, Leo and I were-"

  He stopped mid sentence. I traced the trail of his gaze over my shoulder and at the entrance. Another man, this one with strawberry blonde hair, stood there. I wasn't even certain he was alive, to be honest. His skin was so fair and too smooth to be real, and his lips were... odd, as though chiseled.

  "There's a horde of riders coming in from the north," he announced. "I just thought you should know."

  "Riders?" Marvin furrowed his brow. "Miraj, is there some kind of gathering being held tonight?"

  "No. The next one is the Feshoun Urah," I replied, speaking of the great meeting of the Four Tribes during the autumn equinox. "That isn't for another month." I looked back at the newest arrival. "Did you catch any details of their horses? Color? Build?"

  "Strong, hairy; looks more like a bull than a horse."

  "The Kurai?" I questioned, growing more puzzled by the minute. "But they never leave the mountains, not for anything other than the Feshoun Urah itself. Are you certain?"

  "I'm just telling you what I saw," he said again.

  Marvin set his fingers to his bottom lip in a pensive stupor. A moment later, he grabbed a satchel and began to fill it with a number of his remedies. "Something doesn't feel right about this."

  "Marvin," I started, "Don't be ridiculous. Kurai is kin to Hikari. It is sin to wound a fellow tribeswoman."

  "The Kurai are also a warring bunch who spare no mercy to travelers they catch in the mountain pass."

  My mouth twisted. "While I do think they are... excessive in their battles, they respect our Old Ways. Look, I'll go see for myself."

  "Leo, don't let her leave."

  Leo didn't do anything to stop me, but I did catch him glancing at the blonde companion. He blocked my way out of the tent.

  "Stay here and don't cause any trouble."

  Outrage boiled beneath my skin. "I am Shaman Incumbent! You WILL let me pass!"

  I lifted a hand to strike him down. He raised his own to block it. I moved it away from his waiting arm to direct it at his ribs; he jerked back before my hand could land on him.

  He was stunned that he needed to dodge; I was shocked that he could.

  "Who are all of you?" I heard myself asking, but I received no answer in return. Instead I heard a choir of horses, breaking bones, and violent screams. My eyes shot wide with terror. "Let me go!" I repeated. "Hikari needs me!"

  Leo took me by surprise, pinning my arms to my chest and lifting me off the ground. I kicked wildly, trying to bite him, but he showed no response to the damage I was inflicting.

  "Marvin, looks like you're coming with us after all."

  They walked out the tent, and I was carried with them.

  Fire blazed upon the steppes. As Marvin predicted, the ones responsible were indeed Kurai marauders. The fur-clad women dragged their prairie kin out into the open, slicing their necks or setting them on fire. All others were crushed under a stampede of horses. The proud Hikari, a tribe nearly two thousand strong, was being wiped out before my very eyes.

  "LET ME GO!" I screamed. "I need to help them! Can't you see they're dying?!"

  Leo began to run to the south, away from the battle. Will, Marvin, and the emu followed suit.

  "I said RELEASE ME! I will
not stand by and watch them die like some coward!"

  "MIRAJ!"

  Marvin's voice jarred me as we were running. His gray eyes blazed, searing my voice into silence.

  "You are Shaman now. Of Hikari, you are all that's left. If you care about the tribe at all, you will live."

  Shaman? My heart sank faster than a rock in a lake. I could still feel the warmth of my mother's kisses on my hair and cheeks.

  "Ma'man," the word strangled past my shivering lips. The wind picked up, carrying the stench of death on its channels. Ashes invaded my eyes. "Ma'man!"

  The camp disappeared on the edge of the horizon. I saw the spirits of my people drifting on the smoke towards the sky. What was supposed to be my happiest day had turned into its darkest chapter as I watched my world perish in a blaze of blood and fire.

  "MA'MAN!!!"

  3: Estranged Relations

  I cannot remember a time when I was not filled with anger.

  Anger at being disturbed when I wanted a few more minutes of sleep. Anger at the wind for blowing dust into my eyes. Anger at the lessons I could never seem to understand, and above all, anger at myself for being so unworthy of everything I had been blessed with in my life.

  Ayasha, Mother of our tribes, the Womb of the World, must have been angry too, since she saw fit to take it all away.

  We had been running for hours. The moon indicated that it was now the darkest hour of morning. I didn't know if I could bear to face the sun. I, Miraj, am last of the Hikari. Ours was a duty to be the guiding light and bask in all the glory of the warm summer plains. But I could not shine now. My heart was overtaken by a web of darkness. Kurai was the spider who cocooned me in her silk. It was only a matter of time before they found me. Killed me.

  And Hikari would be no longer.

  Leo set me down on my feet. The men from the desert exchanged words of conversation. I couldn't hear a word they were saying. Even if I heard I knew I wouldn't understand.